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I shone with Jesus @ | 7:38 AM
*.* Well everyone learns to crawl before they can walk. Guess i'll start small.. *.*
Hey guys? "Teenage agnst" still not really working for me.. Still feel uncomfortable, still feel weird, still feel angry inside.. And yet, what you did today made me feel a whole lot better.. Thanks Josh.. >.- (Well its supposed to look like a wink but if it doesn't, forget it.. Haha..)
Every big problem has to be broken down into smaller problems, in order to solve. Like when i said that everything bad built up through this year made me like this? Well i tried to handle it as a whole, and realized that instead of solving it, i was running away from it. Until this friend of mine helped me break down this problem into indivisual parts, identify them, and gave me advice on how to solve them. And the amazing thing was that through it all, he never once judged me, never once got angry, never once TOLD me what to do. You say youre not a good councilor, but youre the best, my friend..
One of the hardest things i had to do ws something that i was never really good at: forgiving. In order to do that, i had to acknowledge the fact that BOTH parties were at fault (altough it was mainly me) and identify where had the friendship gone wrong. It was hard, and awkward, but i believe that like any other hard thing in life, we both came out stronger. As did our bond. So yeah, im sorry and lets be friends again?
Second probem, one that is slightly more complicated, in involves a bit more people: My floorball commitments. Well you see, we had our first team meeting in a long while. Organised by the "something committee" which was made up of Darrell,Joshua, Ryan, and Jarryl. (in no order of merit) For the first time in floorball history, Darrell and Joshua really took their leadership roles serously. I can see the focus in their eyes. They are determined to carry the team to the best we can be, and even further. The meeting was mainly about the introduction of the committee, and how they would now take charge of the training. Everyone in the team was inspired by this new plans, and all ready to start traning their heart out. Well everyone-and it kills me to say this- short of me.
I dont know why, but i just cant get used to the idea of a committee.. I know very and fully well that the idea of the committee was not to make us feel inferior, and i can accept and believe that. But somehow, i still do. I look around and think to myself. "Hey, whats this? I don't remember any of this. This cant be right. What happened to the times where we ALL sat on the floor and listened to mr han? Why has it turned to this?" I felt relly really weird, and decided to talk to Joshua. For the next hour or so, we just sat there talking, and i really talked my heart out. And what touched me the most was that for one of the first times in my life, the person i was talking to LISTENED, really really listened. He didn't interrupt, didn't judge, and didn't correct me. He listened to what i had to say and i poured out everything (or everything i could remember anyway) that got me down to him. When i was done, he explained that the team had changed.
Changed in a way that we now wanted MORE, aimed HIGHER than we previously did. The team REALLY REALLY wanted the top4, and in order to achieve this goal, they were willing to accept the changes, eat humble pie,and improve themselves. And Joshua asked me "Do you REALLY REALLY want the top4? Cause i do,and i know i want you to REALLY REALLY want it too." And i was stumped. I couldnt look at him. I didnt know MYSELF what i REALLY REALLY wanted in life. I felt like i was letting my team down, letting my friend down..
When i got home i spoke to Lander. And he made everything seem so less compicated, and he gave me an advice i've decided to take: Doesn't matter if i want it or not, but starting from now, im gonna TRY. And im gonna try my very best to want it, to find the passion in this sport. I may not be able to do it, but still i know i owe this much to my friends and my team. I owe them this fight. And i sure as heck am gonna give them this fight.
I shone with Jesus @ | 9:53 PM
*.* Just wish there is someone to say "Hey! That's how i feel!" *.*
Have any of you experienced major changes with your body, like you just didn't fit anymore? As though you are someone totally new? Well if you do, then maybe ill feel better, cause right now, i feel that im the only one feeling this way. Everyone else seems to be the same, doing okay, and that just drives me crazy. Forgive me for being selfish, but i would feel better if i know someone out there is going through the same thing as i am now.
Changes. How many changes have you had in your life that you just couldn't get used to? Well, maybe this is just another change. I just can't feel that anyone like CARES for me anymore. Maybe im just being whiney, but i go to school and i cant feel a single real FRIEND that i can trust. Like either im pushing you away or you're pushing me away. I cant see the diff anymore. Im sorry..
Its kinda like when you are used to seeing either black or white, and suddenly the entire world become shades of grey and you find youself lost, unfamiliar with the alien hues. You cant differentiate from this and that. Everything is new and confusing. Its a little overwhelming. And you just get this sense of insercurity, like you got the feeling everyone is hiding a dagger behind their teeth, like every friend you've got is backstabbing you. You just feel alone, scared, and angry.
These days, the most common emotion i feel is anger. Like i feel like punching something, like the whole world is against me. Countless times i've heard, "do not let anger take over you". Until recently, i assumed that it would be simple, and that i would be able to do it. But sadly, when you are feeling that anger firsthand, its hard to deal with it. Taking a breathe and all that, doesn't work for me. Laugh if you want, but im 15, im a boy, and sometimes i just feel like hiding somewhere and crying. So to all my friends, or rather, to anyone who cares, im gonna stick mostly to myself from now on. This time for real.
Not cause i wanna find myself or anything. And it has nothing to do with you guys, its just cause i realized that "myself" is right there in front of my face (not literally speaking..) and that the problem is that i just cant accept it or get used to it. So the reason im sticking to myself is because- going back to the whole "anger" thing- im probably not gonna be much fun to be around. Like if you got the flu, you have to stay away from other people. Yeah something like that. Im just gonna shut out alot of things for awhile, and when im done, ill just try to search out the "friends" in my friends again("friends" being a quality that a friend would possess).
If i appear to be cold or callous towards anyone , please TRY to understand what im going through, and know that i do not mean to be so. If you wanna avoid me, go ahead. I won't blame you, seriously. I know that its not easy to be around me now. For the last (few) times: Im sorry, im sorry, im sorry.
I shone with Jesus @ | 8:30 PM
*.* Sincerity *.*
Could'nt find the right word just now but thought of it just. Sincerity. Someone i knew(or maybe someone from a taiwan drama.. Can't really recall.. :D) once said that if you are not sincere about doing something, then don't bother doing it at all, cause there is no point doing it. I realy agree with this statement. Not sure why..
For example(totally random and no reference to any real life events whatsoever), if you want to buy a birthday present for someone. Call me old fashioned, weird, or retarded, but i think that if you wanna buy a present for someone, you have to pick something that you know the person likes, or needs. You can't just give some random present for the sake of giving it. And most importantly, you have to KNOW what you are buying for the person. You can't just give 10 dollars to someone and ask him to buy a present and then feeling proud that you actually "chipped in" some, when you don't know WHAT you "chipped in" on until the birthday boy/girl finds out.. It beats the whole purpose of giving a birthday present. No sincerity whatsoever. However, i also know that i have been a culprit of this "sincere-less present giving" at times but i've decided to stop. Maybe i'm wrong, but yeah that's how i feel. Told you i think differently from others..
Anyway, on another note (can't decide if its happier or sadder..), i skipped 3 days of school cause pulled my muscle.. bend alry super pain.. But getting better. :) much better. Should be right back on court after mid-years. Actually i think i can go back next week, but my dad wants me to rest one more week.. And this time i think i'll listen.. Later another injury..
Still can't make up my mind wheather i should go for the floorball chalet this december. I'm seriously very afriad of spoiling the mood for everyone. All of you guys are like "Ayio just sit further away from him and dun talk to him can alry." and "just dao him lah" but personally what i feel will happen is this:
1) No doubt, i will dao him. That's like almost 100% confirm. I will like ignore him and like be very cold towards him.
2) Some people will say this to me "Ayio this is a chalet just don't dao him today lah.. Forgive and forget mahh.." and start to think i am acting very childish (and i admit it IS childish, but im sick and tired of forgiving, just to get angry with him all over again in like three days. Sorry)
3) I will start to like get frustrated or what and will like talk back or something.
4) Everyone unhappy and angry and frustrted and emo and whatnot.
Haiss i dunno lah i think i got some forgiving problem. By now u might have noticed that im paragraphing my posts. :) Hopefully easier to read and all..
Rain or sun? Choose..
I shone with Jesus @ | 5:02 PM
*.* 我,李政蔚,一定改变的!!! *.*
大家好! 标题说了没错,我是想改一改我自己。我想成为一个脾气比较好的人。这并不代表我会原谅我现在很讨厌的那些人,而是说我从今天以后再也不会随便地发脾.
* * *
People are different. That's for sure. It's very difficult, if not impossible, to find two people who are exactly the same. Despite this fact. I still think i'm like totally different from everyone around me. When i go out with friends or what most of the time i'm smiling and laughing and cracking jokes and doing retarded stuff, in short, i'm just like everyone else. However when i'm alone, i cant help feeling that i'm different from everyone around me. Like i'm a freak. I also dunno why.. I feel like i feel things that other people do not feel and i think differently from other people. Also, i think i have become overly dependent on my friends. Like when i go out i must go out with at least one friend or i won't go out at all. And i cant seem to concentrate on work or study at all when i'm alone. That's a reason why i'm gonna change. Starting from today, i will try my best to be a loner. Not emo. Actually i really respect loners. Cause they are independent and do not need other people to get things done. For me, i cant do that. Or at least i couldnt do that. Starting from now, though, im gonna TRY. And try really hard. It will definitely be hard, and sometimes it will seem unbearably lonely, but if i can hold out, i know i will be stronger, and more like MYSELF. Up till now, i dont really know who i am. Like i have split personality. Mood swings. And these terms only barely describe what i feel. Only when i am truly comfortable being with myself, then i can be myself around other people. So from now, im going to stop hating myself, and start changing myself. I guess this is the only way to find myself again. So from now, no more outings, no more movies with friends, no more skyping till early in the morning. I just know i can do this!!! 李政蔚!加油!!我相信你一定可以做得到!
I shone with Jesus @ | 10:23 PM
Wednesday, March 31, 2010
*.* Rain is SO much better. Both idol and idoliser. *.*
I have always known that i am somewhat injury prone and all, but just a few days ago have i fully comprehended the full magnitude of my prone-ness. To kickstart the series of unfortunate events, I came down with stomach flu last week. Took mc on monday. Total pill count daily: 8 pills. On tuesday, the annual cross country event, i decided to turn up and take a look at macritchie resevoir, despite my sickness. I thought to myself," Hmm i don't think i'll run, but whats the harm in taking a walk?.." Little did i know how soon that question was about to be answered.. And so i started out on the journey that would soon prove to be MUCH more ardious and tiring that i thought possible. It started out normally; i walked slowly, jogged abit here and there for like 10 or so minutes. And then came the downhill slope. As it was downhill, i thought that it would be easier to run. Little did i know that that little assumption would put me where most people would want to be on a school morning the next day. In bed. To cut a long story short, I ran on the uneven surface and sprained my ankle. Badly. Like super major sprain. Worst sprain in my life. Because i was one of the last people, i was quite far from the rest of my house and had to wait for the next house to pass by before i got any assistance. Thankfully, it was not a long wait and the first person was a teacher. I was helped to the side and sat down. By the way, it happened in the forest-like terrain so there was lots of trees and a trail, with lots of rocks on the ground and not a chair in sight. But at that point in time i was in such excrutiating pain that i couldn't be bothered where i sat. The St. John people arrived after awhile. After arguing amongst themselves for awhile, they decided to set about bandaging my foot. He took around 3 minutes to take out the bandage, all the while commenting on how lucky i was to get a new one (which reflected the resources of the St John's CCA ), thought for awhile the best way to bandage my foot, and then decided that it was the wrong type of bandage. Thankfully, Ms Tan came by and by foot was bandaged. Was not that neat, but it helped a whole lot. (Before that some St John member suggested walking the rest of the trail (reminder: Ground full of rocks and stuff) barefooted. Yes, barefooted. Thankfully that never happended. The sole and insole of my shoe was tied to my foot and i sat there and had to wait for the next house to run by first before i could walk back. And then i had to wait for the next house after that. However, Darrell, Nigel, and Derek happened to pass by and the insisted, despite the teachers' disapproval, to stay and help me. For that, i am truly and sincerely grateful. Waited for a long time more and then, with one arm around two of them and one leg barely able to walk, started down the trail. I remember thinking how the journey was LITERALLY INCH by inch. Took about 1 min to travel 5 metres or so. After 10 metres, it was decided that i was to travel in the opposite direction instead, and so we went back uphill. What took 10 minutes to cover took more than 20 minutes with my new disability. However, with every step along the way, three of my very very best friends were there to guide me, all of them commenting about how it was the most "fun" cross country of all time for them.. However, i was super touched by them because while many other people i knew didnt stop to help me, these three accompanied me with every step that i took (and trust me, given the size of each step, there were alot of steps). 2 scouts and 2 teachers were also there, but mainly to supervise. After the very extremely tedious journey, we finally reached the start line again.. My form teacher sent me back in his car and later in the afternoon, My aunt took me to see a chinese doctor. Heated my leg for 20min (towards the end it was almost unbearable hot), and put some bandaged that i can't take off until tomorrow, therefore not allowing me to shower.. Took another day off from school and had more medicine. Total pill count: 21+8, 29 pills a day! Well at least i have my left leg working perfectly right? Thats not so bad.. WRONG! In the morning woke up to a super intense pain in my left leg. Realized that it was a cramp. Couldn't help from yelling out.. Now when i walk, BOTH my legs hurt.. Well, i guess that's the fate of an injury prone person..
I shone with Jesus @ | 10:24 AM
Wednesday, March 24, 2010
*.* 浪漫的让人心慌 *.*
First few days of school and im already dead beat.. Haisss cant wait for the next holiday. Haha guess i haven't had my fill of holiday yet.. Gotta go for tuition in awhile (with Isaac) and not really sure what to post. Hmm.. Nothing really interesting going on.. Had a birthday lunch for Cren with Cren, Drell, Josh and Jarryl at a coffee shop nearby my house. Food was super nice but limited selection cause most of the things were sold out.. But very cheap. :) Later they went back to gym while i dropped off my bag at my house first before biking back to school to help them keep boards. When i reached most of the boards were kept already. Didn't do gym cause wasn't feeling too well.. Parents still out of Singapore.. Have to wake up at SEVEN O' CLOCK in the morn! SEVEN! SO EARLY!! Haha okay sorry Lander, Darrell, and anyone who has to wake up five thirty in the morn cause they live so far.. :)
I shone with Jesus @ | 4:36 PM
*.* Im so gonna get it one day.. Just. You. Watch. *.*
21 March. 16-21 march. 2010. One of the best few days of my life... :) Stayed at my grandmother's house for two days, then my cousin stayed at my house. And then i stayed at my cousin's house for two days.. Played mahjong quite alot. Lost quite alot too.. Had a league match today against the Nac Tre (i think). We lost, but i feel that we could have won.. Played a not too bad second period. Saved a few, then let in one incredibly STUPID goal.. Just 1 or 2 cm above my head.. But it was a fun game i guess, although was feeling quite emo before and after the game (don't know whats wrong with me these days). Actually wanted to eat with just 1 or 2 ppl. But when. Darrell asked me, i decided not to be so bad.. To floorballers: Not wanting to eat with y'all had nothing to do with you. Just was not in such a good mood (always not in a good mood these days) and didn't want to ruin dinner for you guys. But dinner turned out to be quite fun.. :) Bought 6 pens, 3 highlighters, 2 correction tapes, and 1 correction fluid for $7.90. :) Can't believe tomorrow got school... Haiss. By the way, the post before this was NOT written by me.. Written by some weird guy who really wanted to post for me, and ended up posting some emo thing.. Thanks Jarryl..
I shone with Jesus @ | 8:49 PM
*.* Still waiting *.*
Waiting for your call, im sick, call, im angry, call, im desperate for your voice..
Its been so long, and yet, im still waiting for you. You arent my dream girl, but still, im waiting for you. Like a fool, im still hoping for the day when you will fall for me, and this one-sided love will end.
Is this love? Whats love? Who seriously believes in love?
But i feel so lost without you. I think, now im lost in love, and i dont know much. Was i thinking aloud and fell out of touch? But im back on my feet, eager to be what you wanted.
Till today, im still helpless when you smile.
I miss you..
I shone with Jesus @ | 3:18 PM
Yeah yeah yeah! Finally some rain!~~ Weather recently super hot.. Guess ionly have myself to blame.. Haha joke.. But seriously though, i HATE el nino!!! Played basketball with isaac, alex and josh(although josh left early) after school today. Had lots of fun and learnt alot of new stuff (thanks alex :)) Still trying to shoot properly though.. :/ Lastweek of school! The final sprint! Jia you press on gambate!!!!!!!!! Anyway went to cat class yesterday and something the speaker said really touched me and left me a whole lot to think about.. Don't remember word for word but something about everything in the world that makes you sad and how its all a test to make you a better person. Analogy given was gold and silver being put into the fire to make it polished so that when God looks into it, he can see his reflection. Might mean at all nothing to most of you but somehow this keeps me going. Guess 2010 takes a little getting used to.. And we all know how much i hate getting used to.. Anyway during praise and worship this friend beside me was singing and i thought she had a great voice haha.. Although when i asked her "was that you?" She did not admit it.. Sang softly to myself cause shy haha and don't really have an excellent voice. (ask darrell, lander, isaac, and anyone who has heard me sing) Btw, check out this song Five loaves and two fish. Really really really liked the song. Haha its about how every little thing you do to help someone goes a long long way. (or somewhere along that line..) BY THE WAY!!! I FORGOT THE MOST IMPORTANT EVENT OF LAST WEEK!!!! ON FRIDAY, I SHOOK ZHUO WEN XUAN'S HAND!!!!!! AND GOT HER AUTOGRAPH!! AND I SAID "NI CHANG HEN HAO TING"!!!!! WHOOO HOOOO. Okay goodnight. Im gonna wake up early tml and JOG. Yes, JOG! (Somewhere in admiralty, the giant laughs.. Oh yes im sure..)
I shone with Jesus @ | 9:19 PM
