*.* Well everyone learns to crawl before they can walk. Guess i'll start small.. *.*
Hey guys? "Teenage agnst" still not really working for me.. Still feel uncomfortable, still feel weird, still feel angry inside.. And yet, what you did today made me feel a whole lot better.. Thanks Josh.. >.- (Well its supposed to look like a wink but if it doesn't, forget it.. Haha..)
Every big problem has to be broken down into smaller problems, in order to solve. Like when i said that everything bad built up through this year made me like this? Well i tried to handle it as a whole, and realized that instead of solving it, i was running away from it. Until this friend of mine helped me break down this problem into indivisual parts, identify them, and gave me advice on how to solve them. And the amazing thing was that through it all, he never once judged me, never once got angry, never once TOLD me what to do. You say youre not a good councilor, but youre the best, my friend..
One of the hardest things i had to do ws something that i was never really good at: forgiving. In order to do that, i had to acknowledge the fact that BOTH parties were at fault (altough it was mainly me) and identify where had the friendship gone wrong. It was hard, and awkward, but i believe that like any other hard thing in life, we both came out stronger. As did our bond. So yeah, im sorry and lets be friends again?
Second probem, one that is slightly more complicated, in involves a bit more people: My floorball commitments. Well you see, we had our first team meeting in a long while. Organised by the "something committee" which was made up of Darrell,Joshua, Ryan, and Jarryl. (in no order of merit) For the first time in floorball history, Darrell and Joshua really took their leadership roles serously. I can see the focus in their eyes. They are determined to carry the team to the best we can be, and even further. The meeting was mainly about the introduction of the committee, and how they would now take charge of the training. Everyone in the team was inspired by this new plans, and all ready to start traning their heart out. Well everyone-and it kills me to say this- short of me.
I dont know why, but i just cant get used to the idea of a committee.. I know very and fully well that the idea of the committee was not to make us feel inferior, and i can accept and believe that. But somehow, i still do. I look around and think to myself. "Hey, whats this? I don't remember any of this. This cant be right. What happened to the times where we ALL sat on the floor and listened to mr han? Why has it turned to this?" I felt relly really weird, and decided to talk to Joshua. For the next hour or so, we just sat there talking, and i really talked my heart out. And what touched me the most was that for one of the first times in my life, the person i was talking to LISTENED, really really listened. He didn't interrupt, didn't judge, and didn't correct me. He listened to what i had to say and i poured out everything (or everything i could remember anyway) that got me down to him. When i was done, he explained that the team had changed.
Changed in a way that we now wanted MORE, aimed HIGHER than we previously did. The team REALLY REALLY wanted the top4, and in order to achieve this goal, they were willing to accept the changes, eat humble pie,and improve themselves. And Joshua asked me "Do you REALLY REALLY want the top4? Cause i do,and i know i want you to REALLY REALLY want it too." And i was stumped. I couldnt look at him. I didnt know MYSELF what i REALLY REALLY wanted in life. I felt like i was letting my team down, letting my friend down..
When i got home i spoke to Lander. And he made everything seem so less compicated, and he gave me an advice i've decided to take: Doesn't matter if i want it or not, but starting from now, im gonna TRY. And im gonna try my very best to want it, to find the passion in this sport. I may not be able to do it, but still i know i owe this much to my friends and my team. I owe them this fight. And i sure as heck am gonna give them this fight.
I shone with Jesus @ | 9:53 PM
*.* Just wish there is someone to say "Hey! That's how i feel!" *.*
Have any of you experienced major changes with your body, like you just didn't fit anymore? As though you are someone totally new? Well if you do, then maybe ill feel better, cause right now, i feel that im the only one feeling this way. Everyone else seems to be the same, doing okay, and that just drives me crazy. Forgive me for being selfish, but i would feel better if i know someone out there is going through the same thing as i am now.
Changes. How many changes have you had in your life that you just couldn't get used to? Well, maybe this is just another change. I just can't feel that anyone like CARES for me anymore. Maybe im just being whiney, but i go to school and i cant feel a single real FRIEND that i can trust. Like either im pushing you away or you're pushing me away. I cant see the diff anymore. Im sorry..
Its kinda like when you are used to seeing either black or white, and suddenly the entire world become shades of grey and you find youself lost, unfamiliar with the alien hues. You cant differentiate from this and that. Everything is new and confusing. Its a little overwhelming. And you just get this sense of insercurity, like you got the feeling everyone is hiding a dagger behind their teeth, like every friend you've got is backstabbing you. You just feel alone, scared, and angry.
These days, the most common emotion i feel is anger. Like i feel like punching something, like the whole world is against me. Countless times i've heard, "do not let anger take over you". Until recently, i assumed that it would be simple, and that i would be able to do it. But sadly, when you are feeling that anger firsthand, its hard to deal with it. Taking a breathe and all that, doesn't work for me. Laugh if you want, but im 15, im a boy, and sometimes i just feel like hiding somewhere and crying. So to all my friends, or rather, to anyone who cares, im gonna stick mostly to myself from now on. This time for real.
Not cause i wanna find myself or anything. And it has nothing to do with you guys, its just cause i realized that "myself" is right there in front of my face (not literally speaking..) and that the problem is that i just cant accept it or get used to it. So the reason im sticking to myself is because- going back to the whole "anger" thing- im probably not gonna be much fun to be around. Like if you got the flu, you have to stay away from other people. Yeah something like that. Im just gonna shut out alot of things for awhile, and when im done, ill just try to search out the "friends" in my friends again("friends" being a quality that a friend would possess).
If i appear to be cold or callous towards anyone , please TRY to understand what im going through, and know that i do not mean to be so. If you wanna avoid me, go ahead. I won't blame you, seriously. I know that its not easy to be around me now. For the last (few) times: Im sorry, im sorry, im sorry.
I shone with Jesus @ | 8:30 PM
*.* Sincerity *.*
Could'nt find the right word just now but thought of it just. Sincerity. Someone i knew(or maybe someone from a taiwan drama.. Can't really recall.. :D) once said that if you are not sincere about doing something, then don't bother doing it at all, cause there is no point doing it. I realy agree with this statement. Not sure why..
For example(totally random and no reference to any real life events whatsoever), if you want to buy a birthday present for someone. Call me old fashioned, weird, or retarded, but i think that if you wanna buy a present for someone, you have to pick something that you know the person likes, or needs. You can't just give some random present for the sake of giving it. And most importantly, you have to KNOW what you are buying for the person. You can't just give 10 dollars to someone and ask him to buy a present and then feeling proud that you actually "chipped in" some, when you don't know WHAT you "chipped in" on until the birthday boy/girl finds out.. It beats the whole purpose of giving a birthday present. No sincerity whatsoever. However, i also know that i have been a culprit of this "sincere-less present giving" at times but i've decided to stop. Maybe i'm wrong, but yeah that's how i feel. Told you i think differently from others..
Anyway, on another note (can't decide if its happier or sadder..), i skipped 3 days of school cause pulled my muscle.. bend alry super pain.. But getting better. :) much better. Should be right back on court after mid-years. Actually i think i can go back next week, but my dad wants me to rest one more week.. And this time i think i'll listen.. Later another injury..
Still can't make up my mind wheather i should go for the floorball chalet this december. I'm seriously very afriad of spoiling the mood for everyone. All of you guys are like "Ayio just sit further away from him and dun talk to him can alry." and "just dao him lah" but personally what i feel will happen is this:
1) No doubt, i will dao him. That's like almost 100% confirm. I will like ignore him and like be very cold towards him.
2) Some people will say this to me "Ayio this is a chalet just don't dao him today lah.. Forgive and forget mahh.." and start to think i am acting very childish (and i admit it IS childish, but im sick and tired of forgiving, just to get angry with him all over again in like three days. Sorry)
3) I will start to like get frustrated or what and will like talk back or something.
4) Everyone unhappy and angry and frustrted and emo and whatnot.
Haiss i dunno lah i think i got some forgiving problem. By now u might have noticed that im paragraphing my posts. :) Hopefully easier to read and all..
Rain or sun? Choose..
I shone with Jesus @ | 5:02 PM
*.* 我,李政蔚,一定改变的!!! *.*
大家好! 标题说了没错,我是想改一改我自己。我想成为一个脾气比较好的人。这并不代表我会原谅我现在很讨厌的那些人,而是说我从今天以后再也不会随便地发脾.
* * *
People are different. That's for sure. It's very difficult, if not impossible, to find two people who are exactly the same. Despite this fact. I still think i'm like totally different from everyone around me. When i go out with friends or what most of the time i'm smiling and laughing and cracking jokes and doing retarded stuff, in short, i'm just like everyone else. However when i'm alone, i cant help feeling that i'm different from everyone around me. Like i'm a freak. I also dunno why.. I feel like i feel things that other people do not feel and i think differently from other people. Also, i think i have become overly dependent on my friends. Like when i go out i must go out with at least one friend or i won't go out at all. And i cant seem to concentrate on work or study at all when i'm alone. That's a reason why i'm gonna change. Starting from today, i will try my best to be a loner. Not emo. Actually i really respect loners. Cause they are independent and do not need other people to get things done. For me, i cant do that. Or at least i couldnt do that. Starting from now, though, im gonna TRY. And try really hard. It will definitely be hard, and sometimes it will seem unbearably lonely, but if i can hold out, i know i will be stronger, and more like MYSELF. Up till now, i dont really know who i am. Like i have split personality. Mood swings. And these terms only barely describe what i feel. Only when i am truly comfortable being with myself, then i can be myself around other people. So from now, im going to stop hating myself, and start changing myself. I guess this is the only way to find myself again. So from now, no more outings, no more movies with friends, no more skyping till early in the morning. I just know i can do this!!! 李政蔚!加油!!我相信你一定可以做得到!
I shone with Jesus @ | 10:23 PM
